I thought I was getting better. I thought I was okay. I never thought I could be in denial on how I truly feel. I easily cry. I easily get irritated. I'm often at a loss for words. I forget things a lot. I feel like I'm floating in the air. I have a short attention span. If you don't know me at all, you'd probably think I'm on drugs.
This afternoon I had a realization of what really is wrong with me. Why I feel more like a zombie.
I got lost along the way and I couldn't seem to find my way back home. I tripped on life's bumps and I couldn't seem to muster enough strength to get up. I lost focus. I thought after I wiped out my debts, I'd be fine and happy. Really, I'm not. I feel terribly lost and empty.
Why is that?
I made an awful mistake of putting God in the back seat. I never thought I'd fall for this trap, but I did.
I attend service every week. I attend prayer and worship nights every week. But I was just going through the motion and not really doing it for the Lord. It was an act... an empty act.
I went out of town. I watched a movie. I got a massage every week. And yet, I feel sicker than ever.
I'm always tired. I'm always having headaches. No matter how much I eat, I'm losing weight.
My conversation with Diane, a fellow Christian, was I think more of a conversation with God. When I was asked what's the root cause of all these. I simply said, "I don't really know." But as I told her everything I was feeling, she asked me one question that changed everything.
"How's your relationship with the Lord?"
I've realized that I put God away. I was using my own strength to solve my problems. No wonder I was always tired and sickly. No wonder my stress level is beyond me.
Diane told me something that stuck. There's really nothing out there. At the end of the day, it's still all about Him.
It's true. It's never about money, relationships, family, work... It's all about Him.
I know I will be better soon enough.
I know God is just waiting for me to go back.
I know...
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4 comments:
This is something that many of us go through especially after a period of grief. Come back to the Father and he will welcome you with open arms. Love and hugs.
We all deal with this my friend. God is waiting with arms wide open for you to come back home. I love you.
Oh Pia, I have so been there - But the thing is you are HIS little girl and He is just waiting for you to curl up on His lap and snuggle and tell Him all about your problems, whatever they are. You have been a good daughter - You've done so much for others. It is time to just rest in Him... Bless you! Get well soon. Love and Hugs!
Pia dear, what if the Lord said to you right now "My child, the only way to truly know me, deeply, having me by your side at all times, so you can feel my companionship, is that you go through a physical trial of health." Would you say "Yes my Lord, anything for you"? I would not give up the depth of my relationship with the Lord in trade for good health. Illness is a way for us to develop qualities that we may never get any other way, even if we have dedicated our lives to the Lord and go through all the motions. We develop courage, we call upon the Lord for strength and comfort and wisdom, we develop patience, trust in HIS will, compassion, and so many other virtues that can't be learned without a struggle so deep that it pushes you into the arms of your Savior. If you continue to be sick, it is a calling, my sister. A call to "be still, and know that I am." A calling to be like a child and submit to any challenge our Heavenly Father might choose to put us through, because we trust that in the end, these trials will produce a deeper connection with Him, and we will have become the best spiritual person we can be. We put away things of this world when we are sick, and concentrate more on spiritual things.
MUCH LOVE...even though I am so sorry for what you are going through...I know what the end result will be.
Sheila
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