There's Really Nothing Out There.

I thought I was getting better.  I thought I was okay.  I never thought I could be in denial on how I truly feel.  I easily cry.  I easily get irritated.  I'm often at a loss for words.  I forget things a lot.  I feel like I'm floating in the air.  I have a short attention span.  If you don't know me at all, you'd probably think I'm on drugs.

This afternoon I had a realization of what really is wrong with me.  Why I feel more like a zombie.

I got lost along the way and I couldn't seem to find my way back home.  I tripped on life's bumps and I couldn't seem to muster enough strength to get up. I lost focus.  I thought after I wiped out my debts, I'd be fine and happy.  Really, I'm not.  I feel terribly lost and empty.

Why is that?

I made an awful mistake of putting God in the back seat.  I never thought I'd fall for this trap, but I did.

I attend service every week.  I attend prayer and worship nights every week.  But I was just going through the motion and not really doing it for the Lord.  It was an act... an empty act.

I went out of town.  I watched a movie.  I got a massage every week.  And yet, I feel sicker than ever.

I'm always tired.  I'm always having headaches.  No matter how much I eat, I'm losing weight.

My conversation with Diane, a fellow Christian, was I think more of a conversation with God. When I was asked what's the root cause of all these.  I simply said, "I don't really know." But as I told her everything I was feeling, she asked me one question that changed everything.

"How's your relationship with the Lord?"

I've realized that I put God away.  I was using my own strength to solve my problems.  No wonder I was always tired and sickly.  No wonder my stress level is beyond me.

Diane told me something that stuck.  There's really nothing out there.  At the end of the day, it's still all about Him.

It's true.  It's never about money, relationships, family, work... It's all about Him.

I know I will be better soon enough.

I know God is just waiting for me to go back.

I know...

Lipa, Batangas

So tired.  Just got home from Lipa, Batangas.

My friend Dennie asked me if I wanted to go with him and Mike to Lipa to unwind.  He knew how stressed I was.  I wanted to take advantage of this out of town trip to relax so I said yeah, why not.

You know what I did there most of the time? I ate and slept.  Mike's family was very hospitable.  His family was super nice.

Anyway, while we're there, Dennie and I decided to attend the Sunday service at the newly inaugurated service hall of our branch at Lipa.  Our music team at Victory Ortigas was the ones who led the worship service.

With the music team led by pastor Joel Barrios (the one in maroon shirt), Lipa, Batangas' senior pastor Raymond de Guzman (the one on my left) and pastor Jasper Robles (far right)

Of course, I didn't go home without a souvenir picture.  =)

Thank You for the Blessings

I'm very happy that Mom spent two nights in my house this week.  We went to watch a movie last Saturday and ate out.  We also did the grocery shopping together.  Early this morning, before leaving, she cooked for me again.  I thank God for Mom.  I'm really excited for Mom's new condo unit.  Construction is starting on October 1.  Hopefully it'll be ready for Mom to move in before Christmas.

Last Tuesday, I attended another award's ceremony.  I thank God for this award I got for the second consecutive year.  Here are some photos from the event.

The Philippine Star

Cross Pens for second year Macaulay qualifiers

 Me!  Thank you, Lord!

 Red Spruce

Red Spruce

On a different note, I think grief over Dad's passing is catching up with me now. There are nights when I would just cry because I miss Dad very much.  When I hear songs that I know Dad really liked, the water works will just start automatically.  I know Dad is with Jesus now, but I just miss him very much.  Next month I would be celebrating my birthday for the first time without Dad.  Sigh...

TSMSS - Running

For more great music, link up with Amy over at Signs, Miracles and Wonders.

I Wish...

I feel really sad right now.

Mom left yesterday to go back to our house in Quezon City.  She came back this morning to get all her remaining stuff.  I felt really bad that she had to go, but this has to be done for many reasons.

Mom stayed with me since Dad passed away  four months ago. I didn't have issues with that.  Problems started arising when I couldn't get a decent sleep anymore because I felt uncomfortable with our set up.  I started having bad case of migraine, rashes on my arms and face then worse was when my blood pressure sky rocketed to 147/98.  My condo unit is not big.  In fact a friend once commented that it's too small that it looked like a pigeon hole.  Mom had to have a helper to assist her in everything and the helper lived with me too.  I strongly felt the need to have some space and some peace and quiet.  I did a lot of things to try to ease what I've been feeling like I checked in to a hotel for two nights to get some decent sleep and even slept on the floor at home to make it feel like I had my own space.

I love my mom dearly.  She told me that all she wanted was to take care of me.  She even said that she wanted me to live with her in her new condo my brother bought for her.  That really broke my heart.  I cried and cried and cried.  It's not that I don't want my mom here in my house, but my place is too small that I could hardly breathe.  I have my reasons why I needed to stay here for now.

Anyway, Mom had to go back to her and Dad's house until the construction for the new condo unit is done.  But I told Mom to stay with me sometimes like on weekends.  I can then have the space I needed and still have each other.

Before Mom left a while back after getting her stuff,  I hugged her and said that please do come back on weekends.  I also said that I love her.  When I saw tears coming down her cheeks, that broke my heart to thousand pieces.

Mom after our lunch yesterday at Midas Hotel

My nephews and my brother who came home from Singapore

I really feel bad right now.  I wish this will just go away.  I wish...